hello lj. long time no write. much too long.
My outlook on life seems to have changed, or rather, warped horribly. its been so long, I cant even fathom how it became winter into summer. ive had too many drinks, too many lines, too many changes at once. not enough travel, not enough time with family and friends. sometimes i think we suck the life out of eachother, emotional vampires needing and feeding. i am tired, are you tired? i think were just tired.
i know im such a well-adjusted kid, i know i know better.
when is enough enough? when is love not enough? when do you hit rock bottom?
many questions and no answers and i dont really care.
he doesnt really care. he loves me more than his life but yet he cant do anything but say 'whatever', 'i dont care', or 'im drunk'.
i can really pick 'em. i tell myself that i cant expect him to love me exactly how i want him to- even though he does it with all he knows how. im so emotionally fucked up that my rational thought process doesnt seem to be a factor in decision making. and i can see that, i can admit it- isnt that the first step? why am i not moving? why am i numbing myself and pushing everyone else who is good for me away?
he got wasted and angry. i cried. he stormed out. he crashed his car. got arrested. they took him away and there was nothing i could do but keep drinking. i was distraught, i was billigerent, i was more pissed off than ive ever been in my fucking life and i was ready to act on it. i blacked out. i woke up in the morning with blood running down my leg and shards of glass in my skin. i was in half a bathing suit, makeup everywhere and no idea what id done. i ran for the phonebook. my dumb ass bailed him out for more money than ill ever have. money i dont currently have. i guess you could say im loyal to a fault. i may be a mess, but im still me, good and bad.
he said this was his wake up call. he has a problem. weve both been sober for two weeks. its ironic- memorial day weekend id normally wake up monday not remembering i had a weekend. I quit my job. I wasnt happy there and it was an environment conducive to my habits. I moved, I'm in a new apartment with dogs, fish, a snake and a rabbit. animals are good for the soul. i am trying to get myself in a better place, thats what i tell myself. i dont talk to members of my family or friends because i hate them seeing me this way. and i know theyre there to help- but dammit i should be doing ok on my own, right? anyway-im working on it. i took him to court today-his charges were dropped to misdemeanors and it looks like he wont be doing time. i still dedicate my whole damn life to him-he has no liscence, i saved his job, making sure hes not touching the sauce.
and me-im unfulfilled still. his love is not enough. no ones ever has been. especially now that im beginning to hate myself. and id still kill for anything that could numb me from reality.
- ..and i think if i didnt have to killkillkill myself doin it, maybe i wouldnt think so much of you..